ytd...

agony again... pain in the mouth at the wound, the lobang in the mouth caused by the extraction and swelling on my cheeks... sian... went dentist in the noon... made an appointment...

was in the office till abt 12.30pm aunt dropped me at kovan, went to collect and touch up enen's dress... hand-knitted dress.... so pretty... hehe... so proud of my works... then left to hospital with company of shun pin and then meet hubby at the hospital lo... he says gonna change mobile number for me as there has been too many nuisance calls so... haha... this time its a different dentist from the one whom operated on me... causing so much pain, screams from me was unaviodable la... haha... he says its too difficult to locate the knot of the stiches so was exploring inside the mouth la... when he cut the strings and knots, he showed me the strings with blood on it, i think at that split moment i turn white straight away and feel so faint... gum inflammation, he said and then gave me a bottle mouth wash... when i stood up from the chair, my knees were like numb and heavy, didnt feel like moving anymore...

grandma gave me a ring, not too sure if its real ruby or not but definitely of real gold around it... then have to change it smaller coz its rather big for me... far too big... Clara's finger so smalll... hahah... then aunts was telling grandma that its not suitable for Clara... haha... its already given to me anyway... just feel like telling them... haha...

today at work, cars only came in after lunch 1 making noise, the whole crowd started complaining why was it taking so long, longer then usual, longer than estimated time stated... tell them back, cant you so there are so many of you here and of course there are more cars inside and lunch hour so its taking longer lor... then pinpin went for dental cleaning coz ytd appt too full alr... she went A.H then S.G.H to donate blood, goodness... i can faint lo... she was happy finally there's a new flavour for the iron pills that she is gonna take... goodness...

my wkends...

fri... after work went to meet my hubby, sis-in-law and precious daughter for dinner... went to Hand Burger located at 313 Somerset basement... i think the duck confit burger was best... then went shopping... when Clara is very unhappy, she goes shopping... when i have the money to pay of course... not grab and go... hahaha... Sis-in-law was the one who says she wanna get some stuff instead Clara ends up buying shoes... Clara is fetish for heelsss.... hehe... *shy* (PIN, i know you'll sure smile and agree reading this line la...) bought myself a pair of heels and 1 flat then threw away 2 pairs of my flats... worn out le. i wan the blue dress i saw from BYSI. but only City Sq mall has that particular one i want and only there has my size, S / XS... sian... who on earth wanna go all the way there to get the dress for me?? sian... ask hubby, no comments replied...i wouldnt know when would i have the time to make the trip there too.... working till 6pm everyday and staying so far away...

sat... went which is prettier on enen?? so cute right??

for breakfast with family... headed home then pack my stuff coz precious daughter going swimming... going to godma hse for bbq... organise by god-sis... hahaha... then god-mummy came over to pick us up coz no transport to go over her place... so far away... yio chu kang lei... haha... started raining when we got to her hse and then no swimming for my darling, she began crying and making noise... so i had to calm her down, stop her cries and carry her around the hse to distract her then when rains stops she quickly shouted to get her change. en en and hubby headed for a swim with marcus. then was bbq so just when we're getting started, en en want to go toilet, bringing her with me, after her i went too... there is goes... my urinary tract infection comes. maybe had too little water over the week... was in great pain... ask for my hubby to bring me to the doc at 7.30pm trying to withstand the pain thinking to only leave after feeding my en en her dinner... headed to all the clinics near the estate but all close... didnt manage to locate any anymore and im in great pain almost crying, breaking down into tears already, goosebumps all over my body didnt even like have the strength to walk anymore, cold sweating turning all pale and white... spotted guardian, got 2 sachets of the medicine that was given to me to help with the frequency of visiting the toilet. then got home thinking it'll be better after awhile. it got better by not visiting the toilet so often then i started bleeding... bleeding from the urinary tract... i knew right away i need to get to the doc, check with all my aunts for the nearest 24hr clinic. they were busy chatting about their mahjong khaki while im in pain. sickening right?! serves them right for getting scolded by me.  then drop me alone at the clinic... all by mysef thou its very near aunt's hse. then waited, take urine test, prescription, waited for hubby to turn back over to fetch me back to godma pl... didnt eat anything at godma place... sian... went back home moody... bought sth to eat becoz im taking anti-biotics...

the pretty dress that i love and wanna buy...

sun... went for breakfast...went vivo wit hubby to buy his shoes....buying the pair that i like instead of he likes. we went to giant to get the groceries and ingredients i needed for cooking dinner for my family at my mum's place then headed to have yoghurt frm igloo, located at basement... hehe... i went to get bread from provence for breakfast... and watson to get tissues and cotton wool. den headed to Pedro to buy hubby's shoes... was real tired that i fell asleep in mummy's car... reach mum place busy cooking, darling playing by herself in the living room with the play-dough... when dinner is ready its already 7pm. dinner and then bathe and head to shun pin place to get my fish i ordered and then home to bed... super tired.. time i climb onto bed, 12am... next day gotta work...

today... pain in my mouth at the op part again... think im gonna go to the dental for review. afraid its infection, oh no... UTI and now this... scare lei... showed shun pin my special stringe to wash the lobang caused by the op... she says 'yucks' hahaha...

Coming across this 2 songs...

Coming across this 2 songs and heard this verses... by the same singer... just cute... her songs seems to be talking to one another....

here it goes for the first song...
Baby I love you and I'll never let you go

But if I have to, boy, I think that you should know
All the love we made can never be erased
And I promise you that you will never be replaced

But if the day comes that I have to let you go
I think there's something I should probably let you know
Enjoy everyday, that I spend with you
And I will miss you cause I'm happy that I had you at all

i've realised... here is the reply (from a guy i bet,...)
Cause I miss your love so much

And I can't keep on living this way
I need you here with me
Why could he take you away, from me

It's hard for me to tell you I love you
As I'm standing over you
And I know I'll never hear your voice again
Why did you leave me
Why couldn't you just stay
Because my world is nothin', without you
Now I don't know what to do, with myself

I would've given you anything
Just to make you happy
Just to hear you say, that you love me one last time
I'd go to hell and back over and over again
Just to prove to you how much I need you here
There is nothing that I wouldn't do
I'd cry for you
I'd lie for you
And there's no doubt that if I could take your place
I would die for you, yes I will
I would rather give up my life
Than to see tears in your eyes
I can't stand to see you cry

I just don't know what to do with myself
I cant stand looking at those memories I had
Knowing it was just one week ago, i stood there
There's just one thing that I wanna know
Why would God want to hurt me so bad,
Does He know how much it hurts to be missing you
Baby Im missing you
oh God, damn it, I love you
Why did he take you away... from me
Cause I love you so...
I miss you so much baby I just can't go on baby

touching right...? sickening.... she's just so good isnt it?? spelling it... not a little.. but all... haha... putting feelings and emotions into her lyrics, word by word... since when Clara's so emo...?? hehe... After i heard emo stories..... Pin, u feeling more emo...especially after reading?? Please dont cry after reading k... ur already very emo that day i met u... Influence already... 

Clara's bad day...

Clara's alone... other than with the accompany of my precious daughter...
Clara's tired...
Clara's suffered from hyper-ventilation... almost into depression...
Clara's feeling un-loved...
Clara's feeling un-pampered....
Clara's feeling un-concern...
Clara's suffered in silence...
Clara's suffered all by myself...

Clara's in deep shit... cant seem to get myself out... never able to clean my name at least..
Clara's been thinking why hadnt i give up breathing that very day...
Clara's tired cleaning myself off the shit i've land myself into...
Clara's tired fighting for myself...
Clara's feeling bad and guilty...
Clara's without any support... standing alone...
Clara's feeling as thou im the dart board...
clara's cried enough for so long...
clara's tired...

Clara wan some privacy... even a lil' for myself or for my friends
Clara wan freedom... even a lil' will just do
Clara wan to be pampered....
Clara wan to be loved...
Clara wan to be someone trursted... thrustworthy...
Clara wants to be the diamond... instead of the dart board...

Clara's tired fighting for myself....
Clara's gonna give up fighting for myself...
Clara's gonna stop crying...
Clara's gonna stand up without support...
Clara's suffered enough...
Clara's hoping everything will just end now and forever...
Clara's gonna voice out for myself... for my precious daughter...
Clara's limit is reaching its max...
Clara's gonna break down soon...

working saturday...

busy whole morning... sian... raining stilll... wanna stay at home to sleep in especially on a saturday... luckily hubby fetch me to work today, if not dun even feel like turning up... took a short short nap in the mini bus (FIL's)..

stitch removal, went smoothly with me letting out a short loud shout with the discomfort caused. all i can feel was the scare, the coldness on my palms... waiting for the nurses to call out my name to proceed into the room. scary... went into the room, the dentist whom operated on me was in another room while another dentist was there the nurses ask me to sit down and let another dentist have a look, leaving me with questions... then my dentist came in... saw me, said "its ok, u may proceed and go ahead" the other one replied "oh, its ur patient?! i think it'll be better for you to be reviewing." goodness... me scare like im trembling soon, grabbing bag so tightly... then when i told the dentist the R/H side is much much better compared to the left, the stitches on the right seems to be falling off soon, then i said "how ar??" he replied me "op again!" i like almost faint straight away... turning pale, he quickly replied "no la! not gonna do that again" he saw the stiches, told me it takes the stitches 8 weeks, 2 months to dissolve, but i ask if i can have it removed straight coz its not helping me with my speech and mouth and swallowing, he said "no problem". he then told the nurses some alphabets, bringing a stringe and sterile scissors. he pulled the string so tightly i felt the discomfort and pain then i let out a short scream, taking something out from my mouth, not sure wad it is, didnt have the chance to look at it. he ask me "ready to continue??" i couldnt say no right?? stitches on right side finally removed can speak abit better, abit louder, he used some salt solution to wash the wound, it hurts. sickening... feeling!

and then the next went for my movie date with hubby after removing the stitches.. movie good... finished reading the series of twilight saga within a week... so wad i have in imagination have turn to be true enough as play in the movie... hehe... but i realised you have to read the book to understand why are things happening in such a way... movie is too brief.. plan to have ramen after movie date... try chewing, try biting, at least noodles are soft and i requested for them to cut it super small.. haha...  

at work today... met a hong-ki i think coz they speaking in my dialect... of course i know wad they saying all the time... haha... this stupid car, ESTIMA owner came in to chk with me if its ready, and his wife was behind showing this stuck-up face, as if something got stuck in her... (maybe she wasnt really happy her husband was asking me in such a polite way, i wear mini jeans skirt mah) haha... then i replied him its not ready yet... husband was satisfied enough with my reply, sat down and waited while his wife then came to me after her husband walked away to ask me to check wad is taking so long. i say no problem at all... husband told her in cantonese, "its ok. already spoken to another guy and he says will be ready by 12pm. its not even 11.30pm yet" leaving her speechless... she walked away from me, telling husband off in cantonese... haha... just when she take her seat beside husband, i asked "so do you still need me to check why is it taking so long?" leaving her more embarassment... she said "no, thank you!" i said "welcome" ... hahaha...

pinpin ar... u went off to m'sia.. me so sian... rainy day, not much to do in office so i update blog... boring afternoon... checking vehicle records and etc.. sian... am thinking if wanna go down to kovan later, wanna look for laoshi to fix up En En's dress la... told her on wed nite, thurs after work will drop by awhile to get it and fix some ends but CMI (cnt make it) went home to look after En En... wanna get grandma the ball of thread i used to do EN En dress or jacket for her. To do up a jacket for her, coz she says she wants... and most importantly she willing to pay for it... hehe... I havent even have got started with mine and halfway thru my hubby's jacket... En En has like got 3 knitted wear from me. 1 is a blouse (yellow long sleeve, 100% cotton material) - made laoshi super headache coz i design it in such a way that its buttons are located at the shoulder slanted down. 2nd is a jacket (white colour base with some colourful spots here and there), accidentally washed it with a red dress and the whole thing was dyed into pink colour.. haha... then shrink so end up having lao shi to headache, search for a crotchet pattern to lengthen the sleeves... hehe... and the 3rd is the pink dress... otw out, in lao shi hands need to touch up abit here and there...

today.. 2 July

on my way to work today... board the bus and the whole bus was filled with this scent... not food, of course, not becoz im too hungry, days without food.. neither was it essential oil that was being lit up in the bus.. was this scent of perfume... though i was already sick, sneezing all the way from home to office and while working still am... I can still smell the perfume... Its as thou he spill the whole bottle in the bus... Found a seat, took my seat and caught me by surprise i thought it was someone i knew wearing that perfume coz it smell so familiar and the scent was just coming from the person next to me... i was almost choked by it.. it was this myanmar worker i think, who used up the whole bottle of perfume. hahaha... began smiling at me.. so sly and so cheeko. move myself away lor...

kept sneezing all the way today.. falling sick i think... but hopefully not... felt the pain in the mouth, the sneeze that cause some bleeding in the mouth again and rubbing my nose with tissues are not helping me with already bruise face and red nose... looks like crying when my aunt walked into the office and ask why im crying... wasnt tears, was the flu thats the cause...

despite flu, spoke to customers and was chatting with them when this particular nice customer praise me for my politeness... wah.. thanks! haha... he's a trainer, not sure wad kinda trainer, training wad but he kept praising me for my politeness... the way i put my words, the way i address him, the way i ask him for his address, the way i confirm his mobile number to the one i have in my system, the way i ask him "how do i address you" ... he's surprise he said you can speak good english... haha... act only... such a nice OLD man.. like i've met another cheeko... hahaa... i muz have said he's nice coz he praise me... hahaha... not really la.. he's nice in terms of the way he speak, the politeness, the way he brings out himself, the first impression he gives...

today i can at least speak much better and i got my voice back alr... looking forward to watch eclipse, leaving office at 2.30pm to go hospital... thinking if i can meet shun pin at any mrt station for awhile coz she's going m'sia for a shot trip with family... and i have to slog at work tml for a whole saturday... sian... yet my sec sch mate ask me to meet her after work tml...

my wants..

craving for food... proper meals... proper food...

took a bowl of cold porridge for dinner last night... had difficulty swallowing, took an hour to finish it... maybe too many days without proper meal, food... intestines absorbent level has drop, having smaller intestines, smaller stomach... when i manage to finally get done with the porridge i let out a loud and long sign... face still with the big patch blue-black bruise... saw the adidas watches on the 8days magazine, love the black one with the gold frame around the watch face and the white one with the silver frame around the watch face.. so love it... if im gonna get it, hubby sure scold me waste of money... got plenty of watches... let me pray someone(Pin?? Hubby??) will get it as a gift for me... hahaha... 

had vermicilli soup for lunch today... aunt drive out to get her duck rice and when we're reaching, saw it close so we decided to head to get malay rice near my grandma's place... i quickly dial home, ask grandma to cook that for me and have it put into a container, provided me chopsticks and spoon, luckily smart enough she remember and i forget to inform her... haaahaha.. it feels good to eat that on a pouring day... finally eating something for lunch...

am thinking tml going to the hospital at 4.30pm to remove my stitches.. scare... thinking of it, im hyperventilating... if i ever have the chance, i will really ask the dentist to let me slp just to remove it.. taking half day tml... already thinking wad to do tml and wad good plans i have made... i think its gonna be ruin again... reaching at the hospital at 4pm, finish with removing stiches and then to watch twilight saga series, eclipse with hubby and then dinner or dinner then watch... promised Pin Pin on a movie date with her to 'letters to juliet' but havent found the right time yet...

enen knitted dress ready for collection today but wanna lighten my MIL burden letting her rest earlier.. so decided not to go today... as suggested by hubby to go tml but where on earth can i squeeze so much time to go over?? leaving ofc at 1pm or later than 1pm then head to bus stop taking bus to AMK then change to mrt back home... it would be a 1hr 30mins ride plus the shuttle service to AH then it would be at least another 30mins ride.... queue up to see the knit doctor also take up time not to say teaching me something more to do with the dress... so decided to head home straight tml to get some rest of leaving ofc later since im still being paid for working... decided to leave ofc at 2.30pm so i will reach AH at 4pm or 4.15pm latest..

days after dental surgery

felt the strings to the stitches done up in my mouth, near my wound... so afraid its coming off before it should i went back to the hospital on Wed, alone.. scary...

as wounds being stitched up, i couldnt move my mouth much, not to say open it wide... or even speak louder... the dentist had to force the small round mirror into my mouth, forcing its way through the teeth to see the strings... He seem so relax, telling me its normal... the ends are pointing upright was the main reason. I replied, im like biting on them whenever i close my jaws and when i swallow i can feel the pull... This was on the right side of my face. My left side was much much worst.. had bruises (blue-black) big patches on my face.. people at my work place ask if i had a fight?? beaten up by others?? some even make a joke out of it, saying did i exercise too much?? goodnesss... cant even like laugh coz the whole mouth hurts when i do so...

so where do i find the mood to eat... no appetite at all... only had cold milo when i need to take my medications, 2 capsules of antibiotic, 2 capsules painkiller, 1 gastric... other than that milo for breakfast and milo before sleep... eclipse in the mrt on my way to and off work, afraid that breath smells though the mouth rinse is finishing, and has to rinse often.. no proper meal on time, regular meal... didnt have any lunch, heading home for noodles soup... cut it real small to swallow straight... after medications and with shaking hands in the office...

finally its time to head home... yeah...

My dental appointment

scary.. was all that i can say... so scared, terrified to the extend of me fainting straight away wasnt impossible to happen at all...

appointment was set on Wed, 23 Jun. At 11.50am on 25 Jun to reach the hospital to get myself all ready for the op at 12.50pm was set in my head... i'll be put to sleep, GA for the extraction of 4 wisdom teeth. Scary... and then the staff nurse called me thurs noon to change the reporting time to 10.20am instead. So scared... Turn all pale... Sickening nurse...

the day of op, my hubby accompanied me there... what else can i do was like all that i think he can reply me with... watch me get pierce on the hand for the drip needle and changed to the op attire..

proceeded into the op theatre, told to lie down.. told to breathe the mask thingy... took awhile to fall asleep... felt numbness on my hand, heard the nurses say my hand will feel numb as the medications take effect, immediately i fell aslp.. no pain, cant hear the surrounding (grinding, sawing, drilling, cutting, stitching)... nurses wake me up... heard them telling me 'breathe clara, breathe.. take a deep breathe' heard nothing else... no beeping on the heartbeat, blood presure monitor, suddenly realise did i like almost give up breathing... saw scene of enen crying, poor girl i woke up.. visions wasnt clear but i so want to see her.. after awhile i fell aslp again...

the next time when they woke me up was to throw out to gauze in my mouth. soaked with blood... cant feel my mouth, lips, tongue nothing at all... then when its about 3pm i start to feel the pain, the swell.. goodness.. i look as if i had 2 half piece fishballs in my mouth on both sides. today and yesterday my face was all blue-black... As in a really big patch on my cheeks... really painful... Didnt take any food for like 3 days, only drinks... liquid diet... milo, milo and more milo...

i manage to open my mouth bigger nowadays so i saw the strings that are used to stitch the wound up for the R/H side, as for the left its still swollen as ever... blue-black as big patch as ever... voice is even softer than ever...

i wonder people in the mrt must be wondering such a pretty girl, did she like fight?? bitten up?? or did she exercise too much with her mouth?? haha... now im recovering, i hope my sister could hold on, listen to people's advice.. bringing her child to this world... she actually nearly lost the baby.. but i just had my op, my mum didnt wan me to worry so didnt mention anything to me till after which... I pray for the baby and for you, sis but u need to look after yourself, your child too!

In love again...

So good to fall in love again...
Hasnt had the feeling of falling in love for so long... Everything taste sweet when one is in love... even the air one breathe, food you eat, drinks you drink, words you speak, even you look sweeter than ever.. there seems to be 'you' in every breathe one takes, every next breathe you'll there...

i think that's the reason why when one is out of love, when pieces dont fit in anymore, when one dont wanna love one, one will even think of attempting suicide coz there's no more you in the air one breathe.. crying your heart out... blaming.., 'sorry's.., no scent of you, everything became tasteless... days without food didnt matter to you at all... When one will think of all kinda excuses, etc and etc...

Like,
when one use to love one, ....
when one use to want one, ...
although one never had the real answer, that one never showed intentions to leave.. 
now one is keeping away, leaving one...
Just when one began couting on one,
when one began to feel there's someone one can turn to for all,
now one is keeping away, leaving one...

People being strong will say stuff like, 
Dont deny destiny, go for it.. It might be the best for you,
dont remember me, move on..
im not meant for you...
there's no use in trying...

but deep inside, one must be thinking about stuff like...
i regret for not giving you the real answer all that while..
letting you choose someone else
'i love you' was all that one can say...

the hurt and damage one has caused will never be known to the other one... its kept in the heart, deep deep inside... how much was said, how much one felt for the other... one never knew how much and what memories there are, how much was there in other one... one can only keep guessing for one... there's so much one wanna tell or say but how to put it across...

distance is not a big factor... trust and feelings are... really... if one is far and no love was felt, so be it... let it be... if trust and feelings are there and distance is there, take a step... there's many steps to reach someone far but it wouldnt hurt.. its just trying...